So how can we use communication to build
relationships with others?
5 to 1 ratio
5 to 1 ratio
Well-known family researcher John Gottman[1]
observed a number of married couples over a period of several years. He found
that what contributed to the success of certain couples was not necessarily
their communication style, but rather the ratio of positive communication to
negative communication. Generally, couples who had five positive interactions
for every negative interaction had better marital outcomes.
Takeaway message: BE POSITIVE.
Positive
Communication:
So…what counts as positive communication?
Really, positive communication has to do with our
motives. We are effective communicators when we seek to understand the messages
that others are sending, and when we strive to send clear messages ourselves by
anticipating their needs and point of view.
Positive communication includes[2]
Seeking
meaning. To seek meaning is to seek to understand what
another person is saying, to understand what they feel, think, and want.
Seeking
clarification. In order to understand what someone
means, sometimes we have to do more than just listen. We must ask for them to
clarify. This may mean telling them what we have understood and allowing them
to correct us, asking them thoughtful questions, or requesting examples in
order to understand what they mean.
Seeking
congruence. Congruence occurs when our words and our intent are
in harmony. Saying, “I love you,” when you don’t really mean it is likely to
cause more harm than good to a relationship.[3]
There are many other ways in which we can positively
communicate. The key in listening is to seek to understand what others think
and feel. The key in speaking is honesty and sincerity; we don’t have to say
everything we think and feel, but what we do
say should accurately reflect what we think and feel.
Negative
Communication:
… and what should we avoid?
Have you ever seen people “discussing” a political or
social issue who don’t appear to be listening to anything that their opponents
say? Sometimes, it doesn’t seem like much of a discussion!
And if you’re anything like I am, you may have been
in some of those kinds of arguments yourself. You know the kind—where you are
trying to convince some poor, ignorant individual that YOU are RIGHT. Because
you are, of course.
But
is being right really the issue?
Unhealthy communication includes a couple of basic
elements:
Controlling
communication, or using communication to try to change
someone, and
Competitive
communication, which is using communication to win an
argument or appear dominant.[4]
So if you are trying to communicate, then deciding who’s right isn’t relevant. It’s about
understanding where the other person is coming from and building a relationship
with them, regardless of whether or not you agree on a particular subject. (Remember:
even if your goal is to persuade them, you are unlikely to do it if you don’t
understand and respect where they are coming from.) So… BE POSITIVE!
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